I felt so peaceful and quiet the past few days and then suddenly poof, it’s all gone. I can have these massive mood swings, and I don’t really know where they come from. I know I should accept this darker side of me and as long as I don’t it will happen over and over again. Suddenly unsure about my whole life, about everything, my path, my relationships. Afraid of getting sick, of dying while I am not done, of loosing loved ones, of loosing my marbles. Really disliking what I see in the mirror. I really wonder what this is. These dark clouds that seem to come over me out of nowhere. At moments like these I just want to crawl under a big rock, hide, and cry……
I had a day off really unexpected, but I thought, great, I can use it as extra time for studies. But no, I did all kinds of useless stuff, and did not spend one minute on studies. And after a day like that I really hate myself. I tried to write it of in a diary, where I write stuff from the darkest corners of my mind. But it didn’t help. At moments like these I would love some help, but it seems no one can help me with this. It is something I have to deal with myself.
I feel like I want to go and really change my life, turn it upside down, go back to basics, without the distracting noises of everyday society. But I am holding myself back. Because I can’t let people down. They already think I am going too far. And so I write these useless blogs. Why do I even do that? Who am I kidding? Probably mostly myself. I don’t write about funny, positive things. I try to change the world by putting my words and views out there but what is the use? Mankind probably will never change. Our planet is dying and we still keep over consuming and only thinking about our own selfish needs.
All the things I try to do to make my life a little lighter only seem to make the differences bigger. And then when I finally feel really good and calm something in me says click…. and the dark clouds are there again. Do I just accept this part of me? Is it just who I am? Or will I struggle with this until the end of my days? I really feel sorry for my husband who has to deal with this over and over again, and really can’t handle it, he doesn’t understand because he doesn’t know these feelings.
I really don’t have anything to complain about, it seems I have everything going for me, but this just happens a few times a year. Maybe it is really old pain, from past lives or something, I don’t know.
Sorry for this, but this is also a part of me. I wonder if anyone recognises this, because if other people have this it would help me in feeling it is okay to feel this way.