Clouded


I felt so peaceful and quiet the past few days and then suddenly poof, it’s all gone. I can have these massive mood swings, and I don’t really know where they come from. I know I should accept this darker side of me and as long as I don’t it will happen over and over again. Suddenly unsure about my whole life, about everything, my path, my relationships. Afraid of getting sick, of dying while I am not done, of loosing loved ones, of loosing my marbles. Really disliking what I see in the mirror. I really wonder what this is. These dark clouds that seem to come over me out of nowhere. At moments like these I just want to crawl under a big rock, hide, and cry……

I had a day off really unexpected, but I thought, great, I can use it as extra time for studies. But no, I did all kinds of useless stuff, and did not spend one minute on studies. And after a day like that I really hate myself. I tried to write it of in a diary, where I write stuff from the darkest corners of my mind. But it didn’t help. At moments like these I would love some help, but it seems no one can help me with this. It is something I have to deal with myself.

I feel like I want to go and really change my life, turn it upside down, go back to basics, without the distracting noises of everyday society. But I am holding myself back. Because I can’t let people down. They already think I am going too far. And so I write these useless blogs. Why do I even do that? Who am I kidding? Probably mostly myself. I don’t write about funny, positive things. I try to change the world by putting my words and views out there but what is the use? Mankind probably will never change. Our planet is dying and we still keep over consuming and only thinking about our own selfish needs.

All the things I try to do to make my life a little lighter only seem to make the differences bigger. And then when I finally feel really good and calm something in me says click…. and the dark clouds are there again. Do I just accept this part of me? Is it just who I am? Or will I struggle with this until the end of my days? I really feel sorry for my husband who has to deal with this over and over again, and really can’t handle it, he doesn’t understand because he doesn’t know these feelings.

I really don’t have anything to complain about, it seems I have everything going for me, but this just happens a few times a year.  Maybe it is really old pain, from past lives or something, I don’t know.

Sorry for this, but this is also a part of me. I wonder if anyone recognises this, because if other people have this it would help me in feeling it is okay to feel this way.

Diana

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Author: balancingshadows

Just little me, trying to wake people up, trying to help our mother earth. Always learning about me, about life. I am a therapist in natural medicine for animals and an animalcommunicator. Forever young, but an old soul. Passionate about music. Trying to rediscover my creative sides. Boring people with my "wisdoms" and quotes. Trying to accept the fact that I belong to the human race. Building up courage to take a leap of faith. These blogs are my thoughts, my emotions, my experiences, my truths. They are not based on any scientific facts or what so ever. I cannot take responsibility for my blogs causing you to experience any discomfort ;-)

4 thoughts on “Clouded”

  1. ik heb er heel veel last van gehad…vroegah… maar nu eigenlijk al heel lang niet meer. Wat mij heeft geholpen is focussen op de kleine dingen. Je kan wel de hele mensheid willen redden maar begin bij jezelf want alleen als jij goed in je vel zit kan je anderen helpen. Dus ik geniet van een klein madeliefje dat nog steeds bloeit, of een lieveheersbeestje dat voorbij komt. De kraaien die luid kraaien als ik voorbij loop met de hond of van mijn hond die lekker opgerold ligt te slapen. En soms dan bekoort het je niet… nouja dan morgen misschien weer wel 😉 Knuffel!

  2. Mjah, soms kunnen zelfs die dingen me niet meer bekoren, ik ben en blijf een mens en dan kom ik weer af en toe op nieuwspagina’s en social media en dan zinkt de moed me weer in de schoenen. Ook in mijn naaste omgeving denken mensen eigenlijk alleen maar aan zichzelf, als ze het zelf maar goed hebben, luxe, veel vlees kunnen eten, veel overbodige dingen kunnen kopen, dan ben je goed bezig….. bleh….. Dus dan zie ik het donker in voor de mensheid. Niet slecht voor de planeet maar toch…. Als we nou voordat we uitsterven maar wel die stomme kerncentrales ontmantelen anders gaat het alsnog fout…..
    Komt wel weer goed, it always does……. denk ik……

  3. Toch denk ik dat het heel normaal is als mensen die dicht bij de natuur staan dit soort downmomenten hebben. Het besef dat je precies ziet wat er gebeurt maar er zo weinig aan kunt doen. Natuurlijk kun je zelf dat doen wat je kunt maar je kunt niet iedereen laten doen wat er gedaan zou moeten worden. Dat is frustrerend. Let it go en blijf bij jezelf. Zolang jij dit blijft doen gaan er vanzelf meer mensen met je mee denken en doen. Tenminste dat hoop ik dan altijd maar 🙂

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