These are major issues in my life, they always have been and every now and then they pop up to the surface. Right now I am having a lot of doubts about myself. Do I have what it takes to become what I want to become after the studies. Do I even have what it takes to finish the studies? A few things have happened that really made me question everything. I cannot seem to find a balance between head and heart, sometimes the head takes over and I forget to listen to my heart, and my gut feeling. Sometimes the heart and instinct take over but never long enough to really trust on that. And then how to explain these instincts or insights rationally. I really don’t want to look at it as seperate things anymore, I want to integrate heart and head…..
People say I need to have a success with one of the animals I am practising with now, but so far that hasn’t happened. So I start doubting. Why do I miss so much? Why can’t I find what is really there? Am I working too much from the head?
I feel very insecure at the moment, about a lot of things. These periods happen to me. They come and go. So what I really would like right now is some sort of happy ending, even if it is a very small one. So that I get some sort of reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that I am on the right track.
Then there is this thing with presenting myself in front of a group. That still scares the shit out of me, my voice begins to squeak and I really lose myself. It is like I hide in a little part of my brain or something and I am not really there anymore. Especially when there is a form of judging involved. To eventually get through the patient exam it would be handy if I was present at the moment of truth… So I know what I am doing, I know what I am saying. But the fear of failure is always there. It is like a little monster sitting on my shoulder saying to me that I can’t do it, that I will never be able to do this, that I should just quit all of this.
I’ve been working on myself for quite some time now and things are getting better. But these two issues come back every time. Ofcourse the way you were brought up have something to do with it, the role models you had, the family karma. But I am so sick of every time falling back into my traps of doubting myself and the fear of failure. Without failure I will never learn anything. A little doubt about what you are doing is never bad, it helps you stay focussed. I know this rationally but I don’t feel it that way. And when the doubt and fear starts taking over: Houston, we have a problem. The eagle cannot land…..
I know I should try some of the things I would advice to other people and owners of pets. I know there are flower remedies I can take, I know there is a homeopathic way to help me with my fear of live-exams. I am a little stubborn because I want to be able to do it by myself. I have taken the flower remedies. And they help, for a little while. And then I fall back. I have to start believing in myself (again) or I will not finish what I started…..