Yesterday we visited a Midwinter Fair not far from where we live. We have been going to this fair for a few years now, and have always loved it and have some special and beautiful memories from it.
But yesterday was different. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it, maybe the weather, someone missing from our company, the slightly different set up. I don’t know. It felt off somehow. And although I loved being outside and away for a bit from all the daily routine, I did feel disappointed.
There, I said it. But how then? Above all I felt disappointed in myself, for not being able to really enjoy this experience. For not being my happy self. For not sharing this with my husband, who also clearly needed some time off from everything.
But, there was a moment that also got me thinking. When I listened to a song of an amazing artist we have been following now for a few year, Helisir. She performed a song called Ashes, and it was about feeling at home.
At home… Home… what does that mean. Her words touched me. I felt warm tears swelling up. Home….
Have I ever felt truly at home anywhere? Have I just been looking everywhere for home? And finding something new that gave me a feeling of yes, this is home. People, events, movements. I have been searching, and searching. And every time I thought I found it after a while this feeling came up again. The need to move on. To explore other options. When the cracks started to appear in what I thought was “it”.
And yes, you can really feel at home somewhere, I had that last year on the Moors, and I still feel homesick thinking back to that. But now, nearing my fifties, I am realising that I will never truly feel at home anywhere as long as I don’t fully feel at home in myself.
This song made me realise that home should be with myself. Loving myself fully and completely. With everything I am. And to be honest, I don’t. I still don’t understand why people like me, or find me inspiring. Because I am missing something inside. Missing the feeling of being proud of myself, of finding myself beautiful, worthy, valuable.
So, basically, everything I do is to find confirmation from outside. In my work, my writings, my friendships, the things I attend. I am searching and searching, looking around outside myself to find that place that is called home. I am terrified to admit to myself that I don’t feel at home with myself.
But, every now and then, there are moments. They are appearing. Moments when I look in the mirror, or play the harp, or am talking to the animals, that I really love myself. That I think, yes, you are amazing. You are special. You are unique. And not to convince myself, but that I can really smile at myself and embrace the real me. That I can sit with me, without “doing” anything, and just be. And feel one with all.
I feel we all are searching for this outside of ourselves, and get disappointed over and over again. Expectations from others, from places, houses, gatherings. And all the while we ignore the one thing that will really help us, and that is feeling at home with ourselves.
So, of there is one thing I will set for 2017, even though I don’t do new year’s resolutions, is to be at home with myself, and do whatever it takes to get there.
Here’s to all the beautiful homes out there.
Love and light,