I’ve been reading through some of my older blogs, and I’ve noticed that not much has changed for me. Not really. I still feel the same way about many things in life, and I still struggle with the same things. Since my last panic attack I have been worried again about my health, experiencing some weird symptoms, but somehow I remember that the last time I went through a similar period, my physical symptoms were roughly the same. Add to that having some discomfort probably caused by menopause, and as a high sensitive being very aware of the smallest changes in my body, and I am in danger of falling back into hypochondria. Sometimes I do feel it will never really get better, and then I realise it is all about accepting this is me.
Now, about the title of this blog. On judging. Yesterday I had an experience where I felt like being judged. The person that gave me that feeling I feel is a bit judgmental anyway, and has kind of a black and white view on life and people. And that is ok, that is how they are. Who am I to judge. And I just judged them hahaha. But it got me thinking.
I tend to get along with a lot of people, I try to see all sides of someone, and not judge on first impressions. Maybe people will think I am sort of a chameleon because of this, and a people pleaser. Maybe that is partly true, but being a high sensitive makes me look at all those sides, relate to what they are about. I try not to judge a book by its cover. But sometimes I do, I feel everyone more or less does. I for instance tend to be a bit judgmental about how people present themselves, for instance when a woman wears a lot of make up, or when someone is heavily tattooed, and I do realise that is very superficial, but still. I can’t help it. Maybe that is how I was brought up, I don’t know. My mother could be very judgmental. Especially when she got older. She was very black and white in her liking or disliking someone.
And we Dutch are apparently known for our directness, and even though I am open in what I talk about, I do feel this directness is not always a good quality. It can quickly become rude, and above all, there is no consideration for another persons feelings. By just blurting out what you feel or think about how someone looks or how someone behaves it can be very hurtful. If it is was done in a positive way than it’s perfectly fine, but I do feel a lot of the time it is not very positive. The rudeness I was pointing at.
Every time I think, wow, how would you feel if someone did that to you? Talked to or about you that way? And with social media and the internet nowadays it is even getting worse. It seems that behind a keyboard everybody seems to blurt out what they want. Again without thinking what that causes. Without compassion, without care. Only thinking about vending their own opinions and thoughts. Why? I do not understand.
Back to my experience, it wasn’t that bad, not really, but there was still a lack of compassion and understanding. Things where I am struggling to deal with, and them saying, well why don’t you then “just” change those things. If it was that easy I would have done so, really. And as I was kind of hurt and mildly blown away, and as I process things said to me a little slow, I did not respond how I should have responded. And that is something I maybe need to work on. Because afterwards I felt kind of offended, and a little mad.
We all judge, we all have opinions, and that is perfectly fine. But maybe before expressing we could think before we speak, think before we write. And find a balance on expressing our critiques with giving out compliments. Because you can never know what someone is struggling with from looking at the outside, from short conversations. You don’t know if they are having mental problems, just experienced some sort of loss, had some bad health news.
Words are real, and can be a powerful tool for healing and uplifting, can be inspiring and give hope, but can also be destructive.
I feel this also happens a lot in the workplace. It baffles me that you get hired on the basis of what you are good at, experienced at and instead of making the best use of those qualities when you get your appraisal most of the time they point out the things you are not good at. How not motivating is that? That they say you for instance need to work on assertiveness whilst your best quality is being gentle and understanding. And as long as not being assertive does not bother you in your functioning as a human being or in your work, why the need to work on that? I really dislike those kinds of appraisals. It’s all about being judged! We are who we are, and nobody is perfect.
In the end do we really know one another? Really know what’s going on? I feel we rarely do. If I see what I write in my journal, the feelings and thoughts that make it to this blog are just a small part of what’s really going on in my head.
So yeah, this might be a little vent blog, but still something that has been on my mind the last few days.
Love and light,
Diana
Balancingshadows 